They Finally Merged Burping and Farting into One Bad Joke [May 13, 2011]

If there’s one emerging theme from this weeks crop of trailers, I imagine I am too drunk to care. There are two weeks to go until the summer movie season starts, and these weeks are reserved for Hollywood to squeeze in all the crap that can’t compete in June. When the most hyped movie premiering is a Saturday Night Live vehicle, I don’t imagine finding a greater theme for the week is really worth it. Let’s just get into it.

Bridesmaids or “Hangover, Vagina Style”

From what I understand, there’s actually a full length, critically-acclaimed feature film in theaters now that has all the same actors and even the same title as the trailer. I don’t know if there is a connection between the two, but I have to doubt it. I did a quick check on IMDB, and it looks like the film version was directed by a demi-god of mine named Paul Fieg. It’s okay if you don’t who he is, but you should know that his work on a little gem called “Freaks and Geeks” allowed Judd Apatow to eventually establish himself as today’s Hollwyood Comedy Monarch.

If you haven't heard of "Freaks and Geeks," then your probably think Glee is a enjoyable boundary-pushing show and, therefore, have an incredibly low capacity for the dynamic ability of a television series. Please fine a creative way to remove yourself from the gene pool.

With somebody like Fieg at the helm, I can imagine that the feature would be nothing but hilarious and hart-warming, somehow mixed into one.

The trailer, on the other hand, is an egregious affront to all things comical. I guess this isn’t surprising, as they are trying to stay to true to their previously established SNL fan base. You wouldn’t want to alienate all 12 people who still watch that show. Still, to say their comedy is unoriginal would be unfair. I am sure someone at some point has combined burping and farting into a single joke, and they probably made it incredibly un-classy, too. But in bridesmaids they did it with a fat woman. Burp + Fart + Fat + Female, that’s what we call a Grand Slam.

Aside from the comic malfeasance, the trailer is just generally clunky. They seem to span an enormous amount of time, not just covering the Vegas bachelorette antics, but somehow encompassing everything from the pre-engagement to the wedding. They sure did try to cram in a lot of shit. I’m pretty sure there’s a clip from ever scene in the movie. And on top of everything else, they doubled the size of the original cast.

I know which one is taking over the Zach Galifianakis Role!

But I guess they had more to show us, because they made a second trailer. This one pretty much recaps everything in the first with, introducing more characters and more scenes but basically the same stuff. Oh, they also decided we needed to  see this exchange twice:

So we have scenes from pre-engagement, engagement announcement, an engagement party, a bachelorette party which would seem to take up an entire movie on it’s own…and we have time for this scene. Twice. Because it was so necessary and funny in the first trailer.

Legion + Daybreakers = Priest

Next up, Paul Bettany recaps his roll as Michael in Legion 2… oh. Sorry. It’s Silas from Da Vinici code. No? This is a whole new roll for him? Okay. Well, we still have Bettany as a kick ass religious figure in an incredibly sacrilegious film, so that’s a plus.

Did I say sacrilegious? Sorry. I'm sure God intended the bible to be cut up and filled with crucifix-ninja-stars.

Wait, Paul doesn’t even have a Brittish accent? What the hell? You put Paul Bettany in your movie because he makes being Brittish cool. Once he starts speaking in an American accent, he’s just another American loser. He’s a scrawny blond child-man, you really think an American accent is going to benefit him? It sounds like he put all of ten minutes into crafting his accent too. He did a bad, whispery Clint Eastwood impression and the director went, “Yep. That’ll do.”

Moreover, the American accent doesn’t even seem motivated. Christopher Plummer plays his boss priest, he gets to have a Brittish accent, why can’t Bettany? Oh. That’s right. It’s because his boss Priest is gonna be a bad guy, and bad guys always have Brittish accents. (On a side note, it’s a little odd that no one ever questions Plummer’s accent. The guy’s from Canada, that’s not how they talk in Canada.)

So it’s the future, and there is no longer any sky so everything is dark. By the way, if you ever get out of your time machine and your lost and it’s really dark outside, you probably went into the “not so distant future.” That or it’s night time. Wait 12 hours before hauling ass back in time. Anyway, it’s the future and the world is being attacked by CGI vampires. Again. And no, I’m not just making references to crap like “Daybreakers” or “I am Legend.” In the reality of this trailer, the world has already been attacked by CGI vampires once. With all of the attention Vampires are getting these days, we seem to only have two options:

Wow, we have TWO choices! This is almost as good as democracy!

I think the best part is how little faith the filmmakers have in this film succeeding. If you check out their iTunes trailer page, they have three trailers and three clips from the movie. So all the best stuff is on this page, and you really expect me to pay to see your movie?

Hesher or Joseph Gordon-Levitt is Not 18 Years -Old

Hesher is a Hollywood film disguised as an Indie, that even went as far as to disguise it’s famous hollywood actors. Joseph Gordon Levitt, for instance, is disguised as someone who is not 18 years old.

He's also disguiesed as a hard core rocker. Isn't he cute?

Rain Wilson is disguised as Zach Galafanakis…

Tell me I'm not the only one who sees this.

…and Natalie Portman as some washed-up pros– wait. Natalie Portman? How many movies have you been in this year? Hold on, I’ve gotta think here…

1) The Weird Quasi-Lesbian One

2) The Mandatory Heterosexual Response to the Quasi-Lesbian One

3) Something Which Shouldn't Exist, and Doesn't in the Consciousness of the General Public

4) My Favorite Director Shitting on his Career

5) The Recent Opus by the Shakespearean Master, Kenneth Branagh

6) What the hell is he gonna do to that mouse?!

I guess someone didn’t want the world to forget her while she was preggers.

Anyway, Hesher seems like it could be good. A down on his luck failed rock star brings some meaning and guidance to a young boy in troubled family. Kind of like “Half Nelson” with rock. All in all, an edgy but heart-felt, uplifting story…with a fucking car wreck at the end? When did we enter an action trailer?

Wheeee!

Skateland or The Unofficial Tony Hawk Story

Skateland is set in the 1970s about the surfing Z-Boys of Venice Beach that ignited the skateboarding movement. Oh, what’s that? It’s about a roller skating rink? So it’s got nothing to do with skateboarding? That’s kinda misleading. Is it at least…disco…rollerskating? So it’s just about a rollerskating rink that’s about to close. And some kid who works at a rink and he’s trying to figure out what he’s gonna do when the rink closes…

So there’s a really intense process for how filmmakers come up with movies like this

1) Go to film school. Don’t study anything except film. All other knowledge is trivial.

2) Go other places, but not without your camera! You’re gonna need that  to ensure your view of the world is no bigger than a 35mm lens.

3) Sleep with someone to get money to make a movie

4) Make that movie

5) You realize you don’t know anything about anything, so maybe you should make a movie about youth or something. Being different. Yeah, cause you’re different. Someone who sees the world as a place where life should be easy. Maybe make it semi-autobiographical, even though your life isn’t that all that interesting.

6) Add a rollerskating rink.

The High Cost of Leaving Scrubs or Something…

Remember that guy from scrubs? Remember he made that movie about being Jewish and living in New Jersey or something. It was back when Natalie Portman was in just one movie every few months. She was really cute in that movie… Oh, yeah, the guy who stared in it and directed it and shit… I wonder whatever happened to that guy.

It says here that I have a movie opening today. I didn't know that...

The Big Bang or People Enjoying the Fuck out of Making a Movie

Speaking of things that go completely unnoticed, why has nobody heard of the Big Bang? It’s got Antonio Banderas with his shirt off 50% of the time, Snoop Dog as pornographic filmmaker, Dawson Leery and Sam Elliot. Last I checked, if Sam Elliot stars in a movie that has the “The Big” some where in the beginning of the title, it’s gonna be good.

Obviously this is what I am referring to. Duh.

Granted, Sam Elliot is kinda weird in this movie. I wouldn’t normally peg him as the scientific genius type. I can’t speak much for the hair, either… but pretty much all I want from Sam Elliot is for him to act like a bad ass and talk, and unless he’s silent and the lights are out, I’m pretty sure that’s gonna happen. Add in loads of film-noir imagery, some sweet low-budg special effects, and some quantum theory, particle accelerator bullshit side story, and this trailer’s got it all. Hell, the only thing missing is the naked ass of some hot chick. Too bad they can’t put that in a trailer.

Oh Wait! They just did.

Now, I know I’m glossing over some major flaws here. This movie obviously sucks. First off, there’s that particle accelerator thing that they’re going to get completely wrong, and that would piss me off to no end if I sat through two hour of this shit. Second, they went ahead and gave away the location of their diamonds, the things Bendaras is looking for the entire film and the centerpiece of the plot.

Antonio! They in the overhead light, foo!

That being said, I don’t really give a shit about the movie. I’m probably never gonna watch it. The trailer, on the other hand, is awesome!

How to Live Forever or The Movie that Should Have Been About Buster

When You’re looking for a kick-ass old guy, it’s hard to beat Sam Elliot. The director of how to live forever found the one man who did.

This is what happens when you name your kid "Buster."

Buster is a drinking, smoking marathon runner who works two jobs and is probably the illegitimate father of Bear Grylls. And he probably left Grylls because he didn’t want to raise a idiotic pansy. How awesome is this guy? So much so that he doesn’t take water breaks during his Marathon. Fuck that, he wants a beer. Honestly, this guy is the only thing worth mentioning from the trailer. For some reason, the documentary decided to focus on many other old people, and that’s just dumb.

Everything Must Go or Will Ferrell is Never Un-Funny

Finally, we get to our Trailer of the Week. Everything Must Go is obviously one of those movies where the success of it’s execution is wholly dependent upon it’s star. Put Philip Seymour Hoffman in, you’ll end up with another quirky yet unbearingly depressing Love Liza. Put Keanu Reeves in, you’ll end up with another unbearable Keanu Reeves Movie. Put in Will Farrell, and you get someone who can take the most horrible experiences in life, responded to them honestly and realistically, and still create one of the funniest trailers you’ve seen in months. Yeah, this trailer pretty much got it right. Introduce the characters and conflict quickly, give us a good idea for the tone… This actually looks like a movie I can fully recomend. I might pay to see it myse-

Fuck.

Laura Dern? Seriously. Damn it. I fucking hate you, Laura Dern.

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