Tons of Movies for No One to See [July 29, 2011]

Why this week, of all weeks? I have friends staying over, a giant hole in my ceiling, and a project that I’m cutting and creating the graphics for. To be clear, I’m definitely not complaining about any of these things. My friends are awesome, the work is great, and the hole is actually rather chic*.

*Actual hole may or may not contain adorable cat

I am pissed off that there are sixteen fucking movies this weekend. And that’s eliminating the documentaries and Bollywood films. When I started this blog, I said I would cover (the trailer of) every scripted movie releasing (somewhere) in America (that isn’t from India [no offense, India]). Sure, there are a lot of parentheticals and conditionals in that statement, and I never publicly stated this until now, but that doesn’t mean I can break my one and only rule.

So what do I do this week? After spending an hour and a half collecting all the trailers, I have about 30 minutes to write, and this blog goes live to almost tens of people tomorrow. Looks like I’m gonna have to speed golf these reviews…

Cowboys & Aliens or Starring Olivia Wilde is a Terrible Premise for a Movie

John Favreau hasn’t made a bad movie in the past decade, while Harrison Ford hasn’t starred in a good movie this decade.

Harrison Ford almost makes the Beek look good.

Their collaboration on this project may cause a rift in the space-time continuum, creating a hole by which all existence in the universe will be consumed. Or maybe it will make a decent movie.

People say that cowboys fighting aliens a ridiculous premise, but why is it any stranger to have an alien invasion in 1890s as compared to the 1990s or the 2090s? Remember that book “War of the Worlds”? It was written in 1898, and set in 1898. Despite what many rednecks claim, aliens don’t exist ever, no matter the time period.

This is probably a good thing.

Need further proof of why this isn’t such a bad idea? For starters, it’s based on an acclaimed graphic novel; last I checked, Favreau is pretty fucking good at turning comic books into movies. Don’t think space and western blend well? Check out Firefly or maybe, I don’t know, fucking Star Wars.

Honestly, the only bad part about this movie is the cast. I don’t believe Daniel Craig as anything except a British bad-ass. Harrison Ford is getting too old to watch, and Olivia Wilde is just unbearable.

Ok. Maybe not totally unbearable.

Luckily there’s a healthy of dose of Sam Rockwell, but I don’t know if that negates the rest of the cast.

The first teaser for this movie did nothing for me. If it weren’t for John Favreau’s title card, I would have assumed this movie was about as worthwhile as a trip to Newark. However, each successive trailer was progressively stronger. This movie narrowly avoids being tanked by awkward casting and results in a raucous thrill ride.

The Smurfs or NPH Wouldn’t do That

This is the exact opposite of how I felt about the Cowboys and Aliens trailers. I saw the teaser for this a year ago, and thought, “holy shit, that looks like a terrible idea.” Then, I watched each of the following trailers and ended up vomiting my brain into a trash can.

For me, this movie started off as a piece of shit, as I was never a big fan of smurfs. They are very strange looking creatures, and there is only one female. Apparently, that one was created by Gargamel, the smurfs’ arch enemy. I don’t even want to think about how that works. I obviously wouldn’t really be interested in any movie that has to do with smurfs. However, this has about as much to do with The Smurfs as it does Avatar. By that I mean it’s about blue creatures.

Avatar is actually slightly closer to the original.

Even if you’re starting off with shitty source material, it’s smart to stay true to that material. Instead, they decided to make this live action and set it in New York City. They did a great job casting the voice actors for this movie, too. The only thing worse than listening to Katy Perry sing is listening to her talk, and they cast her as Smurfette, the only smurf most of us can name. Among the other smurf voices are Jeff Foxworthy, Pee-Wee Herman, Fred Armisen, George Lopez, BJ Novak, and Wolfgang Puck. Okay… I actually kind like getting Wolfgang Puck to play Chef Smurf. Still… that’s a bunch of people just begging me not watch this movie.

The saddest part is that this is another shitty movie starring NPH. I like NPH. ‘Erybody likes NPH. Why the hell is he in such awful movies?

A worse collection of movies than Harrison Ford? Challenge Accepted!

All that said, it will still be the highest grossing film in the box office this weekend.

Crazy, Stupid, Love or Did You Know Kevin Bacon is in this Movie?

True Story. His name is even on some of the posters:

On the TV spot, you can see him for about two seconds, sitting next to the husband character from Fargo. Apparently those characters have about the same box office draw.

This is the best romantic comedy this year. If you want to know where this falls on my Rom-Com breakdown mentioned a few weeks ago, this is actually a comedic actor, Steve Carell, trying to be accepted as a serious film actor. Yes, he’s done this with some success (twice) already, but the dumbass stayed on The Office for far too long, which basically means he has to start all over again. He’ll be alright, though, because he’s awesome.

It’s also got Ryan Gosling trying to remain relevant with popular audiences. I’m a big Gosling fan, mainly because he looks almost as good as me:

For those who don't me, imagine this but better.

The biggest fault of the movie is that it runs far too long. No romantic comedy needs to take two hours.

Attack the Block or The Projects & Aliens

I don’t know why this movie isn’t Shaun of the Deading the States. A bunch of aliens attack the projects in London, and the projects attack back. It is produced by the same team that made Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz, and it even stars Nick Frost. Not to mention that everybody seems to fucking love it. This movie kicks ass, and it will be a cult hit in 6 months. For now, it’s going to be overshadowed by a bunch CGI snot Hollywood is forcing down our throats.

Like next week's big release.

The Guard or Ireland is Racist

Brendan Gleeson is an Irish police chief who has to work with American FBI agent, Don Cheadle. According to the trailer, Gleeson just makes racists comments for an hour and a half and Cheadle responds awkwardly. It actually looks really funny, I think I’m gonna try to see it.

Wearing green is as Irish as Don gets.

The Devil’s Double or Why Does the Movie Poster Look like a Jamie Kennedy Comedy?

Or a sequel to Goldmember...?

This is not a comedy. It’s about a guy who was forced to be the body double for Sadaam Hussein’s son, Uday Hussein. Pretty heavy shit. Don’t know what they were thinking with this poster.

Good Neighbors is Probably a Sarcastic Title

There’s a really big voice-over to introduce everything, and, then, we are led to believe that one of Emily Hampshire’s neighbors is going to do something terrible to her. One of her neighbors is Jay Baruchel, and the other is some actor I don’t recognize, who is confined to a wheelchair. The trailer goes ahead and lets us know that wheelchair dude is just faking and can actually walk. I’m pretty sure that’s a huge plot twist that the trailer just shat all over, so I’m gonna go ahead and give you the other plot twist: Jay Baruchel is the bad neighbor.

And he uses his pet dragon!

If the trailer is going to make you think that one guy is a bad guy, it’s obviously a red herring.

Plot twist number three: you totally wasted your money going to see this film.

The Future proves  It Can be Hard to Adopt a Cat

I’ve been waiting for Miranda July to come out with another movie ever since she directed  Me and You and Everyone we Know. I’m sure everyone else has, too.

))<>(( Forever

In this movie, July and her boyfriend adopt a cat they think is going to die in the next 6 months. Then they start thinking about everything they would do if they only had six months left to live. Then it turns out that their cat is going to live. Then their relationship falls apart. Then I start talking about the next movie on my list.

Point Blank is Also know as Shooting Someone at Close Range

A French version of Taken…which was set in France, so that may be a bad example. Anyway, it looks pretty good.

Despite a lack of badass Liam Neeson.

Spiderhole Can’t Seem to Pick a Fucking Trailer

I think there was a competition to cut the trailer for this British Horror flick, but they never decided to pick a winner. Thanks to that bullshit, I spent about 15 minutes going through the interwebs finding every version I could (as if I didn’t have enough trailers to find already). Turns out they all sucked.

True Adolescents Does Not Star Ron Livingston

Take a look at the trailer; the dude totally looks like a chubby Ron Livingston. It really threw me off.

Not Ron Livingston.

I think this is a coming of age story for a middle aged man. I might watch it if I saw it on IFC.

Without Men or A Recipe For Greatness

Christian Slater and Eva Longoria. Why isn’t this the biggest movie opening this weekend?!

Assassination Games or JCVD Never Dies

At least, I can’t remember a movie where he dies. I don’t really watch Jean-Claude Van Damme movies, though. Anyway, apparently, he is still making action movies.

And aging much better than Steven Seagal.

Where the Road Meets the Sun or Please, God, No More Trailers This Week

I don’t know what this movie is about. There’s a Japanese guy (I think) who I guess wakes up from a coma at the beginning of the trailer. Then, some British white boy working as a dishwasher tries to hit on the boss’s daughter and gets fired, somehow causing a Latino dishwasher to get fired, too. Japanese guy tells an American white boy about “Magic Air.” This is a bonding experience for them. British white boy and Latino are going to start a flower shop? Then, American white boy says he’s going to go find some “Magic Air.” After that, every character screams and somebody drives their car into a cement wall.

The end.

Honestly, I think I would find this movie entertaining.

All She Can Why Must My Torment Continue? WHY?!

This is a movie about a high school girl who wants to get a weightlifting scholarship to UT Austin. First, they offer scholarships for female weightlifting? I don’t know how every girl in America doesn’t get a scholarship under title 9. Second, she’s about a buck o’five sopping wet and five feet four inches. No way in hell she would be a weightlifter.

This is more the weightlifter stature.

Forged and I’m Fucking Done

This is a movie about a Latino guy who gets out of prison and has to take care of his son. His son hates him because he’s been in prison forever, and I think he killed the kid’s mom. The guy then gets back into a life of crime. Or something. I don’t really care. There were 15 other movies this week, this was the last one I covered. It’s probably a decent movie, but it kind of gets the shaft. I have completely drained any capacity to give a shit, so if you want to know if this movie is any good, you’ll have to watch it yourself.

Which is honestly true with pretty much every movie ever. True story.

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