The Best Places to Pee in Public [August 5, 2011]

I’m sorry I’m late (*cough* that’s what she said *cough*). I’m gonna be honest with you. I really don’t want to write this post this week. I’m not sure why, but I just can’t get excited about any of the movies coming out. However, if I don’t write anything, then I’m kind of an asshole for having this blog in the first place (don’t question that logic, it makes perfect sense).

Without any further ado, here are the films Hollywood thinks is worth your $12 this week:

Rise of the Planet of the Apes or For the Love of God, End This Franchise

Good lord what a fucking horrific idea for a movie. What’s next, Soylent Green, the Cook Book?

Fun for the whole family!

Why the hell does Planet of the Apes need an origin story? Hell, why did it need a sequel? Every subsequent movie based on the Planet of the Apes universe has just been Hollywood defecating on the original masterpiece. And what reality is this Planet of the Apes prequel related to? It can’t be the original. Charlie Heston and pals were space travelers from Earth (you know, hence him being surprised by it still being Earth). This new movie is set in modern day… I don’t know of any deep space missions that have happened as of late, so wouldn’t Mr. Heston have a rather adequate memory of Ape Day?

Especially since Ape Day would be commemorated with giant balloons.

If these two movies are supposedly related, wouldn’t he be a little less surprised by the fact that apes rule the earth? Or maybe, at the end, when he’s like, “damn you all to hell,” he really just means, “the apes rose… again!”

So, if this isn’t based on the original movie, does that mean this is supposed to be the same universe as the Marky Mark/Tim Burton debacle? Why the hell would you want to revisit that funnel of crap? And why would you do it a decade after that turd was flushed?

Why won't you just let it die??

If it is based on Burton’s film, what are the parallels? That film was more like Rise of the Primates, where all the primates had sex with each other, despite personal species orientation. It made about as much sense biologically as it did plot-wise. Not to mention the huge plot twist at the end of the movie [spoiler], where Marky Mark apparently lands in modern day DC, only people have been replaced with primates.

It was a little hard to tell the difference, at first.

This was obviously a horrible and shallow ending compared to the original, but that’s where they went with it. If it is related to this Rise of movie, are we saying that the ape society simply regressed from modern day to the state it was in in the Marky Mark/Burton movie? Again, these movies can’t be related, because we see Marky Mark in 2029 where perfectly normal chimps are still perfectly normal.

Alright, so, this is a whole new franchise. And they’re starting with the apes actually taking over the planet. Because that’s what Planet of the Apes was about. It wasn’t about racism, class-ism, our barbaric nature, or the folly of man. It was about a latent fear that apes will actually take over the Earth. Honestly, I’m not sure how much longer I can talk about how terrible an idea this is.

If any animal is taking over the Earth, it's this one.

In the trailer, we have James Franco, a perfectly respectable, upstanding, Academy Award nominated actor, mocking us on screen for a little over two minutes. He’s trying to cure Alzheimer’s, and he’s tested a serum on an ape with remarkable results. Science gets angry at him and shuts the program down, but  Franco escapes with Caesar, an ape who is noteworthy namely for how much he looks like snotty CGI. The ape, believe it or not, is played by Andy Serkis, the same guy who played King Kong in King Kong, so he has experience playing primates.

Andy Serkis is the only man in Hollywood who can fit into the motion capture suit.

Franco takes Chimp Caesar under his wing and raises him as a child or…something. The ape gets really smart and maybe gets to be as smart as a person who can’t talk (because chimps don’t speak). Then, Science finds out that Franco is hiding Caesar, so they take Caesar away from him.

Fuck you, Science.

Caesar is now pissed off at all of humanity because they have showed him a new potential for his species. Don’t try to think about that too hard because Caesar apparently doesn’t. Instead, he frees his fellow apes and gives them the smarty-pants-serum Franco originally gave him. He and his primate buddies rise up and take over the world using gorilla warfare.

So here are the problems with this plot:

1) Why? Someone tell me why?

2) How many fucking chimpanzees is Caesar locked up with when he frees the chimps and gives them the brain potion? What is Science doing that they have this many poorly treated chimps in one building? From what I understand about Science, they really try to use chimps as little as possible. They are dangerous, expensive, and animal rights groups get angry at them. Science doesn’t even like using rats anymore, often choosing to use things like worms instead.

Though Jim Henson fans are currently organizing protests against the mistreatment of worms.

3) No matter how many thousands of chimps Caesar unleashes on the world, a healthy dose of semi-automatic weaponry ought to put them back in place before this uprising becomes anything serious. Unless PETA is standing in the way of the apes.

4) Why are the chimps so freaking angry? We made them smarter, for crying out loud! Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, you bastards.

5) What greater lesson does this teach us about life? What is the bigger story here? In other words, what the hell does this have to do with The Planet of the Apes?

If you check out RottenTomatoes, it looks like a shit ton of “professional” “critics” find this movie worth watching. My only explanation of their short-sightedness lies in the complete ineptitude inherent to their profession, coupled with a summer movie season so bad it actually has two movies starring Ryan Reynolds.

The Change Up or Ryan Reynolds’ Further Confirmation of my Ryan Reynolds Theory

What do you get when you mix Freaky Friday with Ryan Reynolds? A movie that isn’t worth watching. Which is pretty much what you get when you mix anything with Ryan Reynolds. His ability to make absolutely anything suck is so strong, I start to wonder if it interferes with his everyday life. Do you think people don’t invite him to parties or concerts because his appearance their will make the event unbearable? Again, I don’t think it’s fault, it’s just how he is. It’s like he’s a superhero… of suck.

He even made the Green Lantern suck more.

This week, Reynolds bring Jason Bateman down with him. A few weeks ago, Bateman apparently proved me wrong with his release of the better-than-expected Horrible Bosses. No one bests me two films in a row, though. This is going to be terrible for two simple reasons: it’s a body switch movie, and it stars Ryan Reynolds.

If you need a third reason, this movie also stars Olivia Wilde.

Although, the role does plays to her strengths.

Every body switch movie has to have it’s origins. Apparently the origin of this one is when two best friends, Reynolds and Bateman, piss into a fountain. I don’t know how these guys would ever be friends, or why they are fond of group public urination. Typically, most guys only pee in public if they’re in college. In that case, one would generally try to find a place that is at least a little inconspicuous – at least what you think is inconspicuous in your drunken stupor.  Suffice to say, a well lit fountain in the middle of a park is the last place you’d pick.

Also, you probably won’t piss while standing next to and talking to another guy. Guys don’t talk when they pee, and they sure as hell don’t make eye contact. That’s grounds for an ass kicking. In all fairness, this confluence of events could very well lead to some mystical event, because it would never fucking happen.

The story is that Reynolds is a ravenous womanizer and Bateman is an imprisoned family man (the only two things a non-superhero can be in Hollywood). They go out drinking one night and, as discussed, piss into a fountain while they simultaneously wish they had the other’s life. When they wake up the next morning, they discover they have switched bodies. The only way for things to go back to normal is for them to watch the end of Freaky Friday and replicate it. In the downtime they need to put in as many fart jokes as possible.

The only good thing about a body switch movie is the hilarious performance you get out of one actor pretending to be another actor. Not to bring up Freaky Friday three times in one review, but watch the new one and see how awesome Jamie Lee Curtis is. She single-handedly makes that a good film. Steve Martin in All of Me is the best example, although that’s technically a body sharing movie.

Even Zac Efron managed to pull it off somewhat...

Really my point is that The Change Up isn’t gonna be about that.

Bateman and Reynolds are middle aged white guys. Neither actor has the chops of Curtis or Martin, and their characters aren’t different enough, anyway, so their switching bodies is hardly going to be noticeable. Think about it for a moment; how is Jason Bateman going to change his performance to better emulate Ryan Reynolds? Or vice versa? Their just going to continue to play themselves, which means this could end up being an even larger waste of time than The Hot Chick

No. Nothing's a bigger waste of time than The Hot Chick.

The Whistleblower or Something Really Bad is Happening, I Just Don’t Know What…

I’ve watched this trailer a few times, and I know that Rachel Weisz is serious about something. I know they’re going to track her and wire tap her phone over it. Someone is going to try to kill her in a car crash, and others will threaten her life. She’s going to out her co-workers, and there’s going to be a huge government cover-up. Eventually, she’s going to lose her job. Serious shit is on the line in this movie, and I have no idea why.

The only hint the trailer leaves is some guys saying they can take these girls home for 3000 (some monetary denomination) each. After that, Weisz talks to the girls and is like, “I know what’s been happening to you.” Then shit gets real.

You know what, though? I don’t know what they’re doing to them. Maybe I’m dumb, but it’s not that obvious. If I’m going to be on Weisz’s side for an entire movie, I’d like to know why. Where are they? Who are they? Are they prostitutes? Are they selling them arms? Maybe they’ve just made a deal on a nice chiffonier.

Perhaps something chic and hand-painted.

As this is the driving point of the movie, I’d like to think the trailer would make this clear. Instead, they seem to focus on the drama and pursuit, as that is what really sells popcorn. Even the description gives nothing away. On iTunes Trailers and RottenTomatoes, it simply says “…she uncovers a dangerous reality of corruption, cover-up and intrigue,” which is, I believe, the definition of “vague as shit.” On IMDB I at least get “sex scandal” in the summary.

What happens when I search “Whistleblower Book,” the material the film is based on? I get this:

I guess publishing is a little more blunt.

Okay. Sex trafficking. Says it right their on the cover. Well, that’s nice.

In other news, did you know Weisz was an Academy Award winner? I had completely forgotten, but this movie sure as hell wanted me to remember that.

Her Award Status is more important than the title of the film.

Bellflower or Burning Shit and Driving Cars

I wish I could say a little more than that about this trailer, but that’s all that I get: burning shit and driving cars. And it is fucking awesome.

This is one of those indie movies that has already been around the circuit for a while and is just now getting it’s release. That means it has a bunch of those title cards where people who write for publications you never heard of say stuff like, “watch this movie or I’ll eat your testicles” (may not be an accurate quote). One of the titles cards in this movie says something about how it’s a mix of John Hughes and Mad Max. That doesn’t seem right to me. This seems more like a mix of Wes Anderson and flamethrowers. In fact, I would see the movie if that were the title.

Admit it, so would you.

So hipsterish guy number one is a pyro who meets a girl. Hypsterish guy number two is also a pyro and is a friend of pyro hipster number one. Pyro hipster number one falls in love with the girl, and, then, there are a bunch of cool shots of fire and muscle cars.

This movie is made for three types of people: indie movie fans, hipsters, and people who like fire. As much as I hate hipsters, I do like indie movies, and I love fire. I think this wins in my book.

Magic Trip or Ken Kesey Drops Acid with a Bunch of People on a Bus

This is a documentary about Ken Kesey’s cross-country (acid) trip that kick-started the 60’s. I thought the end of the 50s kick-started the 60’s, but I wasn’t around, so I guess this movie knows better than me. If you were a fan of LSD and other alternative drugs of the 60’s, you will enjoy this movie. As much as I like documentaries, I don’t think I would enjoy this movie.

Although that bus is rather awesome.

The Perfect Age of Rock ‘n’ Roll was Years Ago

There isn’t much to say about this one. It stars Jason Ritter, the son of John Ritter, who was last seen on NBC’s The Event last year. What’s that? No one saw him on that?

Oh, never mind.

For the most part, it’s just an average boring movie. Still, the trailer does two things to make it noteworthy (man, i’m all about lists this column).

First, it opens with the statement that “all the great ones died at 27.” Keep in mind, this movie was produced before Amy Winehouse died, and the trailer was cut before then as well. Now, I’m never ever going to put Winehouse in the same ranks as Hendrix, Joplin, Morrison or Cobain, but it’s still a little eerie in light of recent events.

Second – and this just makes me hate the trailer – is that they put this stupid title card up at the end

And this generation's is COLDPLAY!

What the fuck is that supposed to mean? This isn’t a true story. This isn’t based on any “great one.” What kind of bullshit statement is that, and why do you think it’s going to get me to see this movie.

Furthermore, this movie is about rock, and the music in the trailer just whines. Not gonna work. On a scale of one to rock, this movie is a Downy-soft comforter.

Cold Fish or This Poo Is Cold

Hands down the weirdest trailer I’ve reviewed for this post. No idea what it’s about. I’m definitely gonna go see it tonight, though.

Let me attempt to describe what words cannot. It starts with three people, a man and two women, eating dinner at a table. I think one of the women is the man’s wife, and one might be the daughter. This is going to sound racist, but I can’t tell which. Sorry, but Japanese people age even less than most Asians.

It cuts between static shots of them eating to closeups of fish in a fish tank, eating other fish, I guess. Then there’s a nice little part where people laugh and congratulate them on being happy together.

After that, people start dying. I think the guy kills people. Maybe one of his wife/daughters kills people. A series of undecipherable things start happening, and I assume much is lost in translation. Then it ends with the strangest editing I’ve ever seen in a trailer, during which a very angry, scary guy yells “You think the Earth is a smooth Blue Sphere? My Idea is that it is a chunk of rocks. No planet is smooth and nice.”

Apparently, this is a more accurate globe.

In a hipster movie, this would be a lame thing to say and almost unbearable to listen to. Hearing it yelled at you in Japanese in the trailer for a gritty J-horror, however, makes it outstanding.

Mysteries of Lisbon is 272 Minutes Long

Four hours and 32 minutes. Let’s put this into perspective, shall we? That’s 7 minutes longer than the entire original series of The Office. You’d barely be able to finish the movie on a plane trip from LA to NY. It’s one hour shorter than the entire X-Men trilogy. If you’re a DC or New York commuter, you can expect this to be the amount of time you sit in traffic every week. If you’re in LA, multiply this by two. 272 minutes is twice as long as I usually last in bed. It’s 200 times as long as The Beek lasts in bed.

Let’s just say it’s a long ass time.

I don’t even want to think about the poor guy who had to edit this trailer. I imagine he grabbed clips blindly and sorted them into some random order. Whatever he did, it didn’t work, because I saw nothing that made me think “hey, this is totally worth wasting a third of my waking day watching!”

Gun Hill Road or They Finally Mixed Inner City Gang Life and Cross Dressing

Finally! Looks like I have a bet I have to collect on. If we assume critical response properly correlates to how much a movie draws you in to it’s world, then an inner city kid who cross dresses is less believable than CGI Apes taking over humanity. Luckily, I put less stock in a critic’s opinion than you put into mine, so we can come to our own conclusions. I conclude that none of you will ever watch this film, so I won’t waste time talking about its trailer.

Especially since I have to pee.

And the nearest fountain is ten blocks away.

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