A Personalized Message to My Mom [August 19, 2011]

Happy Birthday, Mom!

If you showed this blog to any of your friends and didn’t tell them your son writes it, well, now they fucking know.

Yay! Your son says "fuck" a whole lot!

Last week we learned that cyber-bullying just isn’t worth it. I went on and on about Evan Crean — even going as far as writing a him a polite message letting him know my intentions — and he didn’t respond at all. He did have a slight change in tone this week with a sarcastically scathing “review” of One Day, but he’s probably just angry he doesn’t have a date to take to the movie.

I think this week I reach my max on trailer reviews. I could be like Evan and only talk about six of them, but I don’t shirk responsibility.

Fright Night or America’s Next Gay Porn Star

A few weeks ago, my girlfriend and I watched the original 1985 Fright Night. It was a decent vampire flick and a nice diversion from the today’s “vampire” movies.

Vampire Prince Humperdinck will eat your fucking face off.

It also had a decent cast, with Roddy McDowall, Prince Humperdinck, and some actor who I totally thought played this kid in Karate Kid. This case of mistaken identity turned out to be a rather tragic error that it will haunt me to the grave. About five minutes into the movie, after I swear I’ve seen this guy somewhere, my girlfriend decides to look up the actor on IMDB. Instead of finding the annoying punk who is yelling behind Evil Sensai in Karate Kid, she found Stephen Geoffreys, gay porn star extraordinaire. He’s starred in such cinematic masterpieces as Seamen Training Day, Cockpit, and Manhunt. If those titles aren’t explicit enough for you, he was also a star in Guys who Like Cock and Transexual Prostitutes 2 and 3. (Happy birthday, Mom!)

Oddly enough, their portfolios don't cross. Yet.

Oddly enough, Beek's portfolio doesn't cross his. Yet.

While my girlfriend will never believe I mistook the guy for aforementioned yelling character in Karate Kid, we were able to come up with a fun drinking game. Go out and rent Fright Night (I think it’s on Netflix Streaming). Every time “Evil” Ed (future gay porn star) says something remotely gay, take a drink. Literally, every time he speaks you have to drink. It’s almost as bad as Nightmare on Elm Street 2 or Lord of the Rings: The Twin Towers.

"Oh, Frodo. Give me my sin again!"

If you look at his role through the lens of “future gay porn star,” his subsequent career path isn’t just obvious, it’s unavoidable.

If you’re wondering, this game does extend to other movies. Put in a film with a couple of young, no-name actors. Within the first few minutes, mutually agree which actor will most likely end up being a gay porn star (it’s always pretty obvious). Then, drink whenever he says something homoerotic. Everybody wins!

Another effective drinking game is watching a Romero film and drinking anytime a zombie bites somebody.

This weekend, we will surely be playing this game with the new Fright Night. We already know that Christopher Mintz-Plasse is destined to be the next gay porn star (doesn’t everyone?). I have a feeling McLovin is gonna take the gay pornography world by storm. He’s gonna be the Ron Jeremy of homosexuals. Just wait.

The trailer is fairly kick ass Even if you don’t like horrors, this is definitely the best Hollywood movie opening this weekend. I like Colin Farrell as a vampire, though he doesn’t have quite the gentlemanly charm Prince Humperdinck brought to the original.

If you say otherwise, I shall be very put out.

They filmmakers are playing more towards the cool and dangerous approach, I guess. For those out there who are into the never-ending British series Doctor Who, it also features the (most recent incarnation of) Doctor Who. I’ve never seen any of those shows because it’s too damn long, but whatever. Anton Yelchin stars, and that’s a fun name to say, even in your head.

He's also the new Chekov, and that's pretty awesome

The best part about this film is that they’re mostly sticking with the original story line while giving it a much needed update. The original was fine, but it wasn’t that scary, and it was incredibly dated. It’s nice to see someone in Hollywood trying to return vampires to their original, evil badassery.

WHO SHOULD SEE IT: According to our friend Mr. Crean, “vampire haters.” This makes no fucking sense to me. If you like true vampire stories, and hate twi-hards or whatever the hell they call themselves, go see this movie. If you have absolutely no capacity to enjoy vampires as purely evil, soul-less, non-sparkling eaters-of-human-flesh, then don’t see this movie.

Most importantly, if you want to play a good drinking game, see this movie.

Conan the Barbarian or The Wrath of Leno

That was the obvious joke to make, and I made it. Now I’m done.

NOW I'm done.

In this week’s second 80’s remake, a bunch of muscular dudes play in a sandpit in slow motion. When the producers were looking for a replacement for Schwarzenegger, their first criteria was “equally as bad an actor.” I think they overshot that requirement. At least Schwarzenegger could fall back on his terrible accent. On the other hand, if you play the Fright Night drinking game with Conan the Barbarian, Conan the Barbarian would be the obvious choice, and I’m pretty sure there’s plenty of homoeroticism to go around.

Or a few rounds, for that matter.

I don’t recognize anyone in this trailer. Yes, I know Ron Perlman and Rose McGowan are somewhere in there, but I still don’t recognize them. That’s probably because they hardly featured Perlman, and they decided to make McGowan look like hairy-turd with skin stretched over it.

It's really all just sun damage.

Why the hell you would do this to one of the most beautiful woman in Hollywood is beyond me. I also don’t know what the hell she was thinking. If you’re gonna ugly yourself up, make sure you at least get an Oscar nomination out of it.

I'm ugly. Gimme an Oscar!

WHO SHOULD SEE THIS SHIT SHOW: Men with performance issues. Or people looking to play a great drinking game.

One Day I Will Die. And Probably Without Seeing this Film

This is a rarity, but the best thing I have to say about this trailer is that it has awesome title cards. Kudos to whoever created those.

Like most of the movies this week, I don’t have much to say here. Anne Hathaway plays a nice girl who is gonna fix a guy, and Jim Surgess plays that guy. They’re in the middle of porno kiss on the poster, so that’s kinda weird.

OM NOM!

On one hand, it’s hot because it’s Anne Hathaway. On the other hand, it’s not that hot because it’s also Jim Sturgess. Maybe you have a differing opinion,though.

This is not a rom-com; at least, there’s nothing in the entire trailer that is humorous. I guess that means they’re trying to do a full on romance, which I didn’t think existed anymore. I don’t believe it is possible for me to care less about this movie, but I do know someone who cares a whole lot. His name is Evan, and this is what he thinks about One Day:

Nice! A little tongue and cheek. Touche, Sir Evan.

WHO SHOULD REALLY SEE IT: Somebody willing to put up with Evan Crean for a 2 hour movie. Please. He’s lonely.

Spy Kids: All The Time in the World 4D is Bringing ‘D’ to The Next Level

How does one make a movie escape the third dimension and enter into the fourth dimension? They watch a fucking Robert Rodriguez movie, that’s how! Rob Rod is so damn awesome at camerawork, he is seeing multiple 3D spaces at a single time. He is literally seeing parallel realities intersecting and diverging from our own.

He has created the camera of God!

Oh, what’s that? He’s passing out scratch and smell cards to audience members? How the hell is that 4D? That’s like giving a kitten a hundred dollar bill and telling him he’s Einstien; it has zero correlation to any understanding of reality.

Though it is adorable.

Yes, it’s a gimmicky addition to your movie watching experience (much like kittens in a blog post), but it is in no way an extension into a new dimension.

Mr. Rodriguez, if I may. Imagine you live in a one dimensional world. In this world, you are a speck that travels left and right on a line. Say a tangential line enters into your world. If he crosses paths with you, you understand him only only as a speck, intersecting briefly or only traveling left and right. Three dimensional objects interacting with a two dimensional world are seen in a similar manner; if you are living in a two dimensional world and you come across a cube (three dimensional object) your experience with this object is only seen as a square. We live in a three dimensional world. This means that any interactions with the fourth dimension would actually be parallel images of our own. If you could see across to another dimension, you would see a second object with a second desk and a second confused director reading a second awesome blog post.

You might also see a judgmental Rod Serling.

At no point does our ability to smell enter the picture.

Perhaps you were making a riff off time being the fourth dimension, as time seems to be the subject of your new movie. Well, you may be interested to know that, according to modern physics, time actually doesn’t come into play until the fifth dimension, in which we see all possibilities across all time. Still, this has nothing to do with smelling cards.

Movies have recently used “3D” as a way to get people to come to shitty movies. While it does give the illusion of the movie popping off the screen, the truth is that light is three dimensional, and while all movies are projected onto a flat surface, because they are made up of light they are automatically three dimensional. Notice how this has nothing to do with sense of smell.

By now you noticing a pattern, Mr. Rodriguez. Smell does not have anything to do with the fourth spacial reasoning, let alone the concept of multiple dimensions. Some films call themselves “4D” by creating an intense interactive environment, such as moving chairs and adding physical elements like mist tubes that touch you.

Some do it with Michael Jackson and a trippy butterfly cat.

While these still have nothing to do with “4D,” by precedent alone they have more claim to it than your movie does.

Something like a scratch and sniff card works for a John Waters movie, but he’s John Waters. He finds it funny and ridiculous.

He also found this funny and ridiculous. He's a little strange.

Also, Waters doesn’t call it “4D.” In fact, no one who has included scratch and sniff cards with their movies have ever thought to call it a new dimension.

Enough of that nerdy crap. Because Rodriguez hasn’t made a Spy Kids movie in eight years, he obviously had to find a new set of kids and a new family in general. Apparently, in the fourth dimension, someone like Joel McHale and Jessica Alba can get married. According to this movie, they would also raise two of the worst actors ever.

I know this movie is meant for kids, and I know Rodriguez is good with kids (despite naming a kid “Rocket Rodriguez”).

"Mommy, why did I get 'Apple' and not 'Rocket?' I hate you."

Still, this movie has to be horrible. Not only does it have a terrible voice over, and not only does it star Jessica Alba, Joel McHale hasn’t plugged this movie a single time on The Soup. He plugs everything on the soup.

WHO SHOULD SEE IT: Kids with no taste in movies (so…kids). I would say people trying to play a fun drinking game, but, if that game is Fright Night drinking game, then you might be a pedophile.

Griff the Invisible is The Official Superhero of the Grambling State Tigers

Just look at the symbol used by Griff in Griff the Invisible.

This is a British film, so I know they have no idea what university athletics and emblems mean, but it’s still something of a striking resemblance.

There have been quite a few movies like this that have come out in the past year. The most famous would be Kickass, but that was actually based on a graphic novel, so maybe that doesn’t count. Then you have Defendor and Super, both of which I heard were kind of worth watching for the fact that they aren’t actually worth watching at all.

Griff’s big spin on the whole thing is that he’s British. Oh, wait, no, his spin is that no one knows him, which has made him, in effect, invisible.

Nope. Heard that one already.

Alright, so it’s not that original. It sill has a cute girl and is about a guy who collects superhero memorabilia. For as much of a loser as they make this guy out to be, he is nowhere near as bad as 90% of people who actually make themselves out to be superheroes. Griff is in good shape, he has a job, and he can still manage to get a girl. Most guys who think they are superheroes are fat, unemployed, and no longer have enough respect to even make love to themselves.

Think a little more Comic Book Guy and a little less Ryan Kwanten.

Here’s an original take on a superhero movie: have a guy who actually has a super power, put him in a rural area and treat the scenario with the utmost gravity. Like that idea? I’ll sell you my script for 500 grand. It’s ready and waiting for you, Hollywood.

WHO SHOULD SEE THIS: People who like the dulcet tones of the British accent.

The Last Circus or Killer Klowns from EARTH!

Those Spanish don’t get a whole lot of credit when it comes to filmmaking, but that’s mainly because Franco was an asshole.

No, no, the other Franco.

Nowadays, it seems like the Spanish have the most to say, and they can especially knock it out of the park when it comes to obscure horror films. I don’t know if that’s the best way to describe The Last Circus, but that seems to be the best way to sell it. Ignore my alternate title, because this is nothing like Killer Klowns From Outer Space. A better definition would be a Rocky Horror horror tied with cirque du soleil. It’s movie about a couple of sad clowns (as in painted on frowny faces) who are members of a circus and are killing people.

There are some hot "acrobat artists" as well.

WHO SHOULD SEE THIS: Apparently not Evan Crean because he didn’t even care enough to review it.

Flypaper is More Effective Than Owning a Cat

My cat sucks at catching flies. I don’t know what it is. Every four or five days a fly gets into my apartment and my cat goes crazy. For that whole day her mission is to dismantle that fly and present it to us. There are two problems with this situation. First, my cat is an awful tracker. All the fly has to do is turn slightly, and my cat loses sight of it. Second, my cat’s afraid to get more than three feet off the ground unless I’m carrying her. Typically, this isn’t so bad as I can keep all of my breakables safe at a four foot height. When there’s a fly in the house, though, it means she stands in one place awkwardly twisting and flopping every time a fly comes in a five foot radius. Either the fly gets cocky and tries to dive bomb my cat, or the fly dies of boredom, but, after a few hours, the fly has lost, and my cat feels triumphant.

Before work a few days ago, I thought I’d see who was better at catching flies, me or my cat. It took me about two minutes to catch it with my bare hands. This is all she has to do with her life, you think she’d figure it out by now.

Really, her only skills are being fat and fluffy. Good kitty!

On a side note, did you know Patrick Dempsey, Ashley Judd, Jeffery Tambor, and Tim Blake Nelson are in a movie coming out this weekend? I have no idea what Flypaper has to with flies or flypaper, but they never asked my opinion.

It looks like a couple of people try to rob the same bank at the same time, and hilarity ensues. Patrick Dempsey is apparently not one of the robbers, but I have a feeling all that will change by the end of the movie. They didn’t give Jeffrey Tambor any lines in the trailer, so I’m gonna call it a piece of shit and not worth watching.

WHO SHOULD SEE THIS: People who really like Grey’s Anatomy. I mean really like it. Not people who are Jeffrey Tambor fans.

5 Days of War or …Val Kilmer?

This movie has something to do with a conflict in the Middle East that was going on at the same time as the Olympics so we didn’t hear about it. Val Kilmer shows up out of nowhere to remind us he still exists. He’s gained quite a bit of weight. That’s about all I got from this trailer.

He doesn't quite know why he's in this movie either.

WHO SHOULD SEE IT: People who want to laugh at Val Kilmer’s existence. Sadly, I like Val Kilmer, so I’ll just pretend he’s the future gay porn star and drink in his memory.

The Hedgehog or Amelie Light

The Hedgehog contains no hedgehogs. I have supplied you with this fantastic clip to make up for this film’s inexcusable lack of hedgehogs. Fun fact, if you play this clip around your cat, it will freak your cat out.

The filmmaker of The Hedgehog once saw Amelie and thought, “How Can I make this movie boring?” The answer is The Hedgehog.

WHO SHOULD SEE THIS: People named Natasia or Shon or other obscurely spelled names.

Grave Encounters or Paranormal Activity 3ish

Here’s the think tank behind Grave Encounters.

Idea 1: Man, I just saw Paranormal Activity and it was awesome!

They also really liked The Ring.

Idea 2: What if those crappy reality shows about ghost hunters were real?!

*GASP* They're NOT?

Hoocha hoocha hoocha: Grave Encounters.

Other than atrocious acting, there is nothing noteworthy about this film.

WHO SHOULD SEE THIS: Evan Crean. Because he likes to waste time on pointless things (to be fair, so do I).

Atrocious is What Grave Encounters Should Have Been

Atrocious? Didn’t I just use this word in the description of another horror?

What a great segue into the next film! Atrocious is about a bunch of guys who study urban legends who happen to stumble onto a real urban legend. Yes, it sounds like the last film on the list, but it is way awesomer. First, it’s another Spanish horror, so go Spain. Second, ten seconds into the trailer and you already know this is going to be much heavier than anything Grave Encounters could possibly offer. This is another horror mockumentary, but it’s taking a page from [Rec] rather than another copy of the recent ridiculous American horror fare.

Though it did teach us to say Mila Yovavich.

This is completely worth watching…if it weren’t for the fact that it’s only playing in two theaters in the US, one of which has reportedly already had bed bugs.

WHO SHOULD SEE IT: People in LA and New Yorkers who don’t care if bed bugs ruin their lives.

Mozart’s Sister who was also known as, um… Mozart’s Sister

Mozart did not have a sister in Amadeus, so this story must be completely fabricated.

Because everything in Amadeus is factual.

It’s sad because it looks like they went to great lengths to recreate the life this supposed sister would have had. It almost seems like a great story about a fully realized and interesting character whose talents were squandered by the prejudice of her time. Luckily, I know no such girl existed, otherwise I’m sure those hazelnut chocolate crisp balls would have her face on them and not her brothers.

And I do love Mozart's delicious balls.

WHO SHOULD SEE IT: People who wish to shame the name of the cinematic masterpiece Amadeus.

Amigo or Why Does John Sayles Shoot all of His Movies to Look Like Lifetime TV Specials?!

John Sayles delivers another heavy handed story about how the US involvement in other countries was not a good thing. He also manages to make everything look flat and ugly. Find a decent cinematographer, use some longer lenses, and, for the love of God, learn what subtlety is. Trust me, it goes a long ways.

Also, try smiling once in a while. Jeez!

WHO SHOULD SEE THIS: Going to a John Sayles movie is a great act of martyrdom simply to show you disapprove of our countries international involvement (or lack of involvement, depending on the country). If that message is so important that you wish to subject yourself to two hours of crap, then go right ahead.

The Smell of Success is Full of Shit

This actually premiered at Sundance back in 2009, but it didn’t get a release until now. It stars Billy Bob Thorton (who I thought was working on his music career), Tea Leoni, Ed Helms, and Kyle MacLachlan.

Sadly, not co-starring this llama.

With a cast like that, this film has to be terrible to have gone ignored for over two years.

Oh, and it’s a movie about selling manure, so it’s basically one long shit joke (starting with the title).

WHO SHOULD SEE IT: People who are in the manure selling business. I hear it’s really accurate.

A Horrible Way to Die is To Be Skinned Alive by a Potato Peeler. Or Electrocution. Either One.

Christians always claim that crucifixion is the worst way to go. Some creative people have come up with even better ways.

Creative is term I use loosely.

No matter what you consider to be a bad way to kick the can, a movie with a title as bad ass as this needs to deliver in the end. I have a feeling the movie completely fails in the final act, and our female protagonist lives through the whole thing.

WHO SHOULD SEE IT: People who like disappointment

3-D Sex and Zen: Extreme Ecstacy is A Remake?

Yes, this is a 3D soft core pornographic film. It was made in Hong Kong, and it was based on an apparently epic Hong Kong soft core porn from the 1980s. This trailer sucks, though. First, all the women are fully clothed. I know they can’t show anything in the trailer, but at least have them scantily clad or something. I see more sex on the subway every morning.

What? Tina Fey and mustaches turn me on.

Second, all the shots don’t even hint at sexuality. In fact, they all seem to be shots of crazy special effects. For a porno, they are crazy good, but those aren’t the kind of money shots you’re looking for in soft core. For an NYFA student, they’re unbelievably good. For anyone else, though, they’re mediocre to poor.

The best part about the trailer has to be the English title card translations. You could tell the people who made the film and the trailer worked incredibly hard to make it look as good as a soft core porn can possibly look. But, then, they handed the trailer over to the American distributors. When it came time to drop in the English title cards, the American distributors checked their bag of “fuck” and realized they were plumb out. This is, by far, the fewest fucks anyone has ever given to creating title cards for a trailer:

Fuck it.

WHO SHOULD SEE THIS MOVIE: People who don’t know how to find real porn online. By the way, have I wished my mom a happy birthday yet?

World’s Best Dad Contains No Dads

In fact, it seems to be a bumbling portrait of two brothers on a cross country journey of brotherhood. Yay brothers! Too bad they forgot to bring an audio tech on that journey. It appears they all of their dialogue is pretty badly out of sync. Oh well.

WHO SHOULD SEE THIS: I think this film is actually on a road trip through the states now, so…any random stoners who stumble upon a premier should see this.

This week's mission: Roadtrip, "Fright Night Drinking Game," DUI

That’s it for this week. Maybe next week our friend Evan will finally reply.

Hey Mom! You like how I properly use “few” rather than “less,” and I also know how to say “fuck”? This kind of well-rounded personality would not be possible without a mother like you. Love you!

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2 Comments on “A Personalized Message to My Mom [August 19, 2011]”

  1. caralea says:

    thank you, oh son of mine. you make your mommy proud! i do have a question, as you are a serious reviewer of trailers, why do i not see your reviews of trailers that are actually on TV? like “the debt”? just wondering.

    • physoo says:

      Because “The Debt” doesn’t come out until the week after next. I only review the trailers for movies opening this week. That’s, like, the whole basis of my blog. Duh.

      Also, I don’t review TV Spots. Those are below me.

      Heh heh. “Below me.” That’s funny.


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