I DID IT! I MADE EVAN CREAN BETTER AT LIFE! [August 26, 2011]

That’s right. I him out, and he changed his muthafuckin’ blog:

Oops-I-Crapped-My-Pants has added a little to his blog’s format. First, he’s finally decided he should give a little bit of his personal opinion in the coverage (a novel concept for a critic). He’s also added three sections at the end of each review: “Originality Rating” (that’s original!), “When to See It” (less original), and “Where to See It” (and that’s the Evan I know!).

This is where you go to see movies.

The originality rating is a scale of one to original based on how original the premise is (hint: they’re all adaptations). This is actually kind of a cool idea, so a tip of the hat to you, Constipated Crean. In the “When to See It” section, he’s not overly specific. It’s pretty much “wait for it on DVD” or “see it in theaters.” Then, there’s “Where to See It” section. Umm…well, see it in the theaters if you should see it in theaters, or watch it in your living room if you have a DVD.

I guess his common readers aren't all that bright.

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A Personalized Message to My Mom [August 19, 2011]

Happy Birthday, Mom!

If you showed this blog to any of your friends and didn’t tell them your son writes it, well, now they fucking know.

Yay! Your son says "fuck" a whole lot!

Last week we learned that cyber-bullying just isn’t worth it. I went on and on about Evan Crean — even going as far as writing a him a polite message letting him know my intentions — and he didn’t respond at all. He did have a slight change in tone this week with a sarcastically scathing “review” of One Day, but he’s probably just angry he doesn’t have a date to take to the movie.

I think this week I reach my max on trailer reviews. I could be like Evan and only talk about six of them, but I don’t shirk responsibility.

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A Personalized Message to Evan Crean: This is How You Review Trailers [Aug 12, 2011]

I just found out I’m not the only moron out here writing reviews about trailers. Granted, I understand these here interwebs are fairly expansive and have become rather popular as of late, so there had to be at least one other jerk out here who thinks this activity is a valuable use of time. In fact, there are probably a number of people with blogs who review trailers, and they probably all boast a higher number of readers than I (though their readers are no where near as awesome as you guys). Most of those critics, I wouldn’t dare berate. In fact, to all those who clearly state their opinion and have some wit, I would like to take this moment to wish all of you well, fellow trailer reviewers. But, then, there’s this son-of-a bitch at Starpulse.com. His name is Evan Crean, his blog is “Trailer Talk,” and he decided this would be a great picture to use for a profile.

Ha ha! I just pooped

Okay, that’s not very nice. Maybe he doesn’t take very good pictures. Or maybe his head is just that tiny. I can’t really talk; this is the only picture on my LinkedIn profile:

BEAT DRUMS!

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The Best Places to Pee in Public [August 5, 2011]

I’m sorry I’m late (*cough* that’s what she said *cough*). I’m gonna be honest with you. I really don’t want to write this post this week. I’m not sure why, but I just can’t get excited about any of the movies coming out. However, if I don’t write anything, then I’m kind of an asshole for having this blog in the first place (don’t question that logic, it makes perfect sense).

Without any further ado, here are the films Hollywood thinks is worth your $12 this week:

Rise of the Planet of the Apes or For the Love of God, End This Franchise

Good lord what a fucking horrific idea for a movie. What’s next, Soylent Green, the Cook Book?

Fun for the whole family!

Why the hell does Planet of the Apes need an origin story? Hell, why did it need a sequel? Every subsequent movie based on the Planet of the Apes universe has just been Hollywood defecating on the original masterpiece. And what reality is this Planet of the Apes prequel related to? It can’t be the original. Charlie Heston and pals were space travelers from Earth (you know, hence him being surprised by it still being Earth). This new movie is set in modern day… I don’t know of any deep space missions that have happened as of late, so wouldn’t Mr. Heston have a rather adequate memory of Ape Day?

Especially since Ape Day would be commemorated with giant balloons.

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Tons of Movies for No One to See [July 29, 2011]

Why this week, of all weeks? I have friends staying over, a giant hole in my ceiling, and a project that I’m cutting and creating the graphics for. To be clear, I’m definitely not complaining about any of these things. My friends are awesome, the work is great, and the hole is actually rather chic*.

*Actual hole may or may not contain adorable cat

I am pissed off that there are sixteen fucking movies this weekend. And that’s eliminating the documentaries and Bollywood films. When I started this blog, I said I would cover (the trailer of) every scripted movie releasing (somewhere) in America (that isn’t from India [no offense, India]). Sure, there are a lot of parentheticals and conditionals in that statement, and I never publicly stated this until now, but that doesn’t mean I can break my one and only rule.

So what do I do this week? After spending an hour and a half collecting all the trailers, I have about 30 minutes to write, and this blog goes live to almost tens of people tomorrow. Looks like I’m gonna have to speed golf these reviews…

Cowboys & Aliens or Starring Olivia Wilde is a Terrible Premise for a Movie

John Favreau hasn’t made a bad movie in the past decade, while Harrison Ford hasn’t starred in a good movie this decade.

Harrison Ford almost makes the Beek look good.

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This is The First Day of the Rest of My Life (without any Harry Potter) [July 22, 2011]

You know what’s great about today? I will never wait in line for another Harry Potter event ever again. There are no more books in the series, and the movies have all finally been released. It’s all over, and I can now put this swelling lump of disappointment far behind me.

For those of you who miss waiting in line for Harry Potter...

This week, Hollywood decided to change things up and deliver generic movies with well-worn premises (the “change things up” refers to the fact that they’re actually worth watching).

On a side note, I have no editor this week, which means my pictures are going to be stupid with lazy-ass captions. I’ll also probably get “their” “there” and “they’re” confused enough for someone to revoke my creative writing minor. At least you’ll be able to freely read without getting tripped up over the ten thousand commas typically inserted into my sentences.

Captain America: The First Avenger or It’s About Damn Time!

I have the same affinity for comic book superheroes that gay men have for boobs: I’m very familiar with them, I can tell when they’re good, but they just don’t do it for me. (Just to be clear, I’m saying that comic book superheroes don’t do it for me; boobs do.)

Though I'm more of an ass man...

Though I'm more of an ass man...

That being said, there are two superheroes I have always loved. The first is Batman, but Hollywood has been all over his gonads since day one. The second is Captain America.

I’m not really sure why I like Captain America. Maybe because my dad was in the Marine Corps when I was a kid, and they seemed pretty similar. Maybe because Steve Rogers was kind of like a Bruce Wayne or Tony Stark without money. Maybe because I had a costume that could fire a patriotic Frisbee at people. For whatever reason, I have always liked Captain America, and I have had to wait my whole life to see him on film. In the past 60 years, there has only been one theatrical tribute to my second favorite superhero, and I’ll bet you didn’t even know that film existed. If you think that looks bad, you should see the two made for TV movies about him in the late 70s.

I'm Captain America! I have a Super Scooter!

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This Week, I Piss Off Everyone [July 15, 2011]

Damn, there’s a fuck-ton of movies coming out this week! I guess the return of Harry Potter didn’t scare anyone off. I’ve got a lot to talk about, so let’s just get on with this shite.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part II is Going to be a Disappointment

Spoiler Alert! Harry’s a pussy. Which is rather fitting considering his name.

Because cats are fuzzy. Duh.

Throughout all seven novels, Harry Potter bumbled his way through adventure after adventure, constantly relying on one of three things to save him: 1) random abilities he “magically” had, such as speaking to snakes or being a natural at flying a broom; 2) his friends, who actually studied and worked for their abilities and often died to protect him; 3) pure fucking luck. Read the rest of this entry »